Being Tom Cruise

Plot

The sketch centers on a parody of Tom Cruise, filtered through his connection to Scientology. It revisits his time with the Brat Pack, a group of 1980s young actors, including Emilio Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland, and Patrick Swayze. While making Top Gun, Cruise worries that he might seem "a bit gay" next to his fellow actors, who then transform into the Village People. He is guided by alien spirits depicted as two large, Welsh-accented blobs, who judge the film as "no ET but it's got something."

John Travolta introduces Cruise to Scientology, calling it a "legitimate alien-race-based religion," and knocks him out with a shovel. Afterward, Cruise says, "Ouch... wait a minute. Scientology. It all makes perfect sense now."

Ewan McGregor later tries to convert him to Jedi teachings. Nicole Kidman decides to move to the U.S. and marry Cruise to become "Hollywood king and queen." When they first meet, Cruise asks her to sit so he looks taller; she later fixes his teeth, and he lands the Top Gun role. In bed with Kidman, Cruise performs his Mission: Impossible dangling-from-the-ceiling move.

He asks her how to prove he is not gay, and she suggests they make Eyes Wide Shut. Stanley Kubrick appears as a sleazy director, and a newspaper headline pans the film. Sam Neill calls Cruise to reveal Kidman's scheme, leading to their divorce. Cruise then dates Penélope Cruz, shown wearing a mantilla.

Travolta introduces him to Katie Holmes, who acts like a robotic Stepford Wife, greeting him with "Greetings, Earth Man, I am here to serve you." When Cruise proposes, she replies, "Affirmative." The sketch also mocks his couch-jumping moment on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Production

Channel 4 announced in January 2007 that the second series of Star Stories would include parodies of Tom Cruise, Simon Cowell, Britney Spears, and the 1990s chart rivalry between Oasis and Blur. The Tom Cruise episode was the second of that series and aired on Channel 4 on 2 August 2007. Channel 4 promoted it on its website by describing Cruise as "Hollywood's smallest actor (after Danny DeVito)" who "expounds on Aliens from Outer Space and the best career choices ever." That same month, plans were announced to remake the series for a U.S. audience.

Legal issues

Several outlets noted the legal risks of parodying both Cruise and the Church of Scientology. A reviewer for the Evening Times warned that the Church's "full-throttle reaction to any criticism or mickey-taking" meant the Star Stories team would likely "find themselves in the firing line." The Sunday Times wrote that the team were "taking their careers in their hands" by tackling "the notoriously litigious Tom Cruise," adding that "the lawyers must still be having a nice lie down after watching."

Kevin Bishop, an actor on Star Stories, discussed the legal challenges in an interview with The Northern Echo. He explained that the show could not say anything about anyone that was not true, which made things tricky.

Sometimes lines had to be changed after filming was complete, requiring the team to go back to the recording studio and replace one line with another. He believed the reason they had not been sued was that technically nothing they said was indefensible. He noted the series was "well looked after" by attorneys.

In a 2009 interview with The Independent, Bishop recalled giving a Star Stories DVD to American television producers. Those who watched it saw the Tom Cruise episode. One producer reacted by saying, "you can't do that it's Tom Cruise man?" Bishop replied that they had already done it.

The producer insisted, "yeah but you can't do that on TV." Bishop pointed out it had already aired. The producer then asked, "what you're talking about Scientology, are you fucking nuts??" Bishop responded that it had been on television, everyone loved it, and there had been no complaints. The producer then asked, "has Tom Cruise seen this?!"

Reception

The Guardian and the Evening Times both named the Star Stories parody their top pick of the day. Guardian critic Martin Skeggs said the episode offered everything anyone could want to know about the world’s biggest movie star, including the moment John Travolta introduced him to Scientology by hitting him over the head with a shovel, and the first time he met Nicole Kidman, when he asked if she would sit down so he would appear taller. Skeggs called the parody a toned-down version of real life.

Evening Times reviewer Barry McDonald found it both cruel and laugh-out-loud funny, calling it essential viewing and a showcase for top-notch comedy writing. When the episode aired again in reruns, McDonald wrote that he did not care how many times it had been shown—it was something you had to watch again. Aidan Smith of Scotland on Sunday praised the show, noting that it fearlessly targeted Tom Cruise despite the paranoia of Scientologists. He singled out a scene where the tiny screen giant lowered himself onto Nicole Kidman in Mission Impossible style while she drank from a can like a proper Australian woman.