Night of the Nearly Dead

"Night of the Nearly Dead" is the seventh episode (and the second-to-last) of the third and final series of the Channel 4 sitcom *Father Ted*. Its title and several moments are a spoof of the film *Night of the Living Dead*.

In the episode, housekeeper Mrs Doyle and various other older women are huge fans of Eoin McLove, a vapid, boyish TV host and pop star. Eoin runs a contest for the best poem about him, with a personal visit as the prize, and Mrs Doyle wins. While shopping, she tells her friend Mrs Boyle that Eoin will arrive on Sunday, swearing her to secrecy. Mrs Boyle immediately breaks her promise, and word spreads across Craggy Island.

Eoin arrives at the parochial house with his assistant, Patsy. Mrs Doyle is extremely nervous, while Eoin is bored and asks when the visit will end. Ted soon notices a crowd of middle-aged women gathering outside, all desperate to see and touch Eoin. The crowd becomes so thick that Eoin and Patsy cannot leave, so Ted offers them a place to stay. That night, the women wander outside like zombies. Eoin’s childish antics—eating jam from the jar and saying Jack “smells of wee”—annoy Ted, Dougal, and Jack. He also insults Mrs Doyle by rejecting a jumper she had baked into a banana cake.

The next morning, the women are still outside, staring through the windows at Eoin sleeping. Ted opens a window to shoo them away, but they compliment his last mass, and he absent-mindedly lets them in. The women swarm toward Eoin, and Ted, Dougal, Eoin, and Patsy flee to the upstairs bathroom, pursued by the mob. As the women grab at Eoin, a rooster crows at daybreak. Mrs Doyle and Ted remind them that their husbands will soon be awake and wanting breakfast, so they should go home to avoid trouble. The women quickly leave.

As Eoin prepares to depart, he gives Mrs Doyle a peck on the cheek, causing her to faint. Patsy, learning from Dougal that Ted wants to be on TV, offers him a guest spot on Eoin’s show. Later, on the show, Eoin quizzes Ted about his favourite book, William Shatner’s *TekWar*, for a cash prize. Ted answers every question correctly but fails the final round, unable to name “what was John Paul II’s name before he became Pope?” His answer is “Jim.”